The first time we knew something was different with our eldest, he was two years old. We took him to the beach and he screamed bloody murder any time the sand touched him. Then, in preschool, he cried and rocked in a corner after being forced to try finger painting. He couldn't stand to be dirty. What mother doesn't secretly rejoice at a boy who hates getting dirty? We had no idea what "Sensory Integration Disorder" was, or why his aversion to different touches, smells, or noises would be such a problem.
Kindergarten was hard. I worried. Why couldn't he rhyme? Why couldn't he sound out words? Why didn't he color or draw? I was told to stop worrying. "Boys develop slower than girls. He's fine." The pediatrician assured us he was fine too. She never questioned why, or how often, he walked on his tip toes or why his cuticles were a bloody mess. It was not until the middle of 1st grade, as we were leaving Virginia to our new home in Colorado, that his teacher handed me a letter that said he "needs to be placed back in Kindergarten when you enroll in his new school. He is a full grade level behind his classmates."
Imagine our shock and dismay. When we did enroll him in that new school, in Superior, CO, his first grade teacher met with him for a few minutes and assured us there was nothing wrong that a little extra attention couldn't cure. She wasn't wrong. He started receiving special services in reading and writing. He didn't need much help in math, for he was soon ahead of his classmates in that subject.
We were already worried about his younger brother by this point. Three and a half years younger, he had some of the same quirks. He, (hereafter known as #2 for privacy purposes) had no trouble getting dirty, but he really didn't speak much, made up his own words for things, and didn't walk until he was 18 months old. Our new pediatrician took me aside after our very first appointment and handed me the information sheet for Child Find. "Call them today." So by the start of the new school year, #1 was receiving special services at his elementary school and #2 was enrolled at a special education pre-school.
Then we got transferred to California. I did not want to move to California. I loved our neighborhood, our schools, our life in Colorado. But, the need to eat is a powerful motivator and the need to feed two growing boys is even more powerful. The first week of school in California was a nightmare. #2 had to go through a whole new round of testing because CA didn't accept IEPs (Individual Education Plans) from other states. He didn't qualify for speech services but did keep occupational and physical therapy. #1 didn't have an IEP in CO and because he wasn't testing 2 grade levels behind, the CA school didn't want to write one for him. Also, his third grade teacher was horrible.
I'm not one of those people who believes that all public school teachers are horrible people. We've had many good teachers. I have friends and relatives that I love dearly who are fantastic teachers. This woman, though, was truly awful. She yelled at my kid on the second day of school because he didn't know how to do long division. She then informed me that "there's nothing wrong with your son that a little discipline and hard work won't fix". She said that in front of him and all of his classmates.
All of the progress we made in Colorado was erased, for #1, in California. #2's Kindergarten teacher was a life saver. In a class of 25 kindergartners, she found the time to make sure #2 didn't fall through the cracks. By the time the next school year started, #1 was in the fourth grade, had an IEP, and was miserable. #2 started the 1st grade and in a class of 30 kids he started to lose ground. Thankfully we moved in October of that year.
Now we were living in western Washington. #1 had been to 4 elementary schools in 4 states in 4 years. After being re-tested for his IEP yet again, he was found to have "non specific learning disabilities, generalized anxiety disorder, and associated autism spectrum disorders". He received special services in reading, writing, occupational therapy, and math. Once he had small group instruction in math he easily caught up to grade level. He just couldn't concentrate in large group settings. #2 settled in easily as well.
That Washington elementary school was a life saver. The boys had the same special education coordinator for every year that they were there. With a stable company employing my husband and both boys thriving in school, we thought we'd finally figured it all out. Then #1 went to middle school.
This was a bigger school, on the other side of the city from where we lived. He had to ride the bus for 30 minutes through rush hour traffic to get to and from school. Because of the mandates of his IEP, he was initially not allowed to take an elective. I threw a tantrum until they relented and let him take PE. He had three general education classes: science, social studies, and PE. He quickly fell behind in every one of those subjects. The classes were 30-35 students each. They were loud and crowded. He was being bullied mercilessly and acted out in retaliation. He had to stay after school for an hour every day for study hall meetings with his general education teachers. At one point I asked his PE teacher why he hadn't been allowed extra time to take a written test, as allowed for in his IEP. "Oh I don't read those, they don't apply to my classes." (They DO apply.)
He only passed the 6th grade because we spent weekends doing all of his back assignments and re-teaching him concepts. He had an A+ in mathematics, though. How? Because his special education teacher had him doing 4th grade math! When I asked why a child who had passed his 5th grade math class with an A--in the 5th grade-- was back to doing 4th grade work, she replied that "he tested at that level". The very first paragraph of his IEP evaluation read "It is impossible to determine {#1}'s academic level given his debilitating test anxiety. He cannot focus long enough to get a proper assessment." When I pointed out that he did the entire week's worth of math assignments on Monday and then goofed off the rest of the class, she shrugged. We tried to set better parameters for the 7th grade school year. I met with each of his teachers. I met with the principal. We had a plan! Sadly, by Christmas break he was failing every general education subject. He was also routinely in the nurse's office for what were probably self-inflicted injuries. He never told us of the bullying. A girl who was kind enough to be his friend told her parents who told us. She had told the PE teacher what was happening but nothing happened. We were never notified by the school.
It was February of 2016. He had Ds in most of his courses (Except math, of course. Now he got to do 5th grade math! *eyeroll*). I tearfully told my husband "Look, I can't do any worse!" I was terrified that we were losing him. The bullying, the fighting, the screaming matches at home, his torn and bloodied cuticles as he anxiously picked at them for every waking hour, it was all a giant whirlpool to a dark place I did not want to go back to.
I lost my younger brother to suicide in December of 2007. He was only a year younger than me, so we were almost always in the same school. He was incredibly smart. He was also clinically depressed and bored by routine schoolwork. I saw in #1 the same behaviors my brother exhibited. I couldn't stand to lose my son too.
So, we pulled him out of school. I checked the WA laws about homeschooling, made sure I had all my forms filled out properly and hand delivered them to the district superintendent's office. The secretary in charge of filing the form told me I couldn't withdraw a child in the middle of the school year. I pointed out my printed copy of the WA law. She then said that special education kids had to have supervised instruction. I asked for the name and number of the lawyer who would be representing the district when I took them to court. She backed down, stamped my file, and we left. The next day the middle school principal called me wanting to talk. I told him no. The special education coordinator from the elementary school called and emailed. He urged me to only homeschool for the rest of 7th grade and then transfer #1 to another school. I told him we'd think about it.
And then we did... nothing. Not for the first few weeks anyway. He picked out a book he wanted to read. I took him with me on every errand and we'd quiz each other on multiplication facts during the drive. By April we'd worked up to using Khan Academy for math class every day, he was reading another new book, and we were learning about the history of China. We had cooking classes, went to the library, took long walks at the park with the dog, and he probably learned more about presidential politics than any boy his age cares to know.
When it came time for the 8th grade it seemed silly to throw him into a new school for one year. He was finishing pre-Algebra and looking forward to American history class. He was also volunteering at the local working-farm/city park. He adores animals and they seem to like him. So, we kept him home. We tried to work through an "Introduction to Physical Sciences" course from Kolbe Academy but got bogged down in the Chemistry section. That is when I learned that he just doesn't learn well from textbooks. Give him a lecture, or a video, or a hands-on demonstration, and he's quick as a whip. Give him more than 4 or 5 pages of text to read and he zones out.
The last piece of the "why we homeschool" puzzle fell into place in the Spring and Summer of 2017. #2, who was happy as a clam, loving science, and generally excelling at school, did not get a placement at the local magnet school. That meant he would have to go to the same middle school that had so badly failed his brother. Hard NO on that. So, we made plans to homeschool him as well. #1 would also be starting high-school. Did we want to put him back in public school so he could have the "high-school experience"? I did not. My husband wavered. Then my mother told me something that made our decision for us:
"Homeschooling {#1} was the best decision you ever made. I am so proud of you both for sticking with it."
Why do we homeschool? Because homeschooling gave my son back to me.
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